Wednesday, November 08, 2006

My Wednesday Rant

My youngest brother is getting married, I don't know if I've mentioned that before. For anyone who doesn't know me, I have two brothers--James and John. In order of age, I'm the oldest, then John and Jim is the baby. I of course, have struggled with the thought of being the oldest, and not only being unmarried, but having no children as well. OK, so I've had a really hard time with it. I never had dreams of some big career, though my life is beginning to follow that path, I just wanted to have a family of my own. Now I see my dream all around me with my friends and family playing out the part that I had figured for my own. I've been to countless baby showers, bridal showers, diaper parties, and bachelorette parties. I've spent, I'm sure, thousands on other people's weddings, children, and things of that nature. And I've felt left out every single time. Like I'm not part of some club that I want desperately to belong to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my brother, I'm just kind of sad for myself. And as I hear the plans for the wedding continue on, and on, and on, and on, I just feel a general disconnect from the normal happiness that I feel. It's probably very selfish to feel this way, and I'm not a selfish person. I don't even care if I have some big showy wedding, I just want to be married, to have that commitment with someone that I love. Sorry everyone, I'm just feeling blue.

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